I should have died hundreds of times in 1970 and 71. I was prepared to die but was one of the lucky ones. Now, with malignant brain cancer, brain surgery, chemo therapy, radiation and all the predictions of my death between October of last year and June of this year, I figure I should have died already........again.
You know what, having a positive mental attitude is key to all that. I may die tomorrow but no one will say that I didn't have a positive mental attitude about all that and that I gave it one hell of a good show along the way. To me, that was the most important aspect of having a good time and being as comfortable as possible along the way.
Now, as it relates to that kind of thing, know that "not" publishing your day to day steps to take care of your final arrangements, can cause some trouble. So, with regard to that, everybody who has not done your last will and testiment, do it now.
I'm tired of thinking about death and I prefer to think about life, comfort, fun, camping, another motorsport project like an old motorscooter, an old car or possible retirement. I understand why so many veterans with malignant brain cancer blow their brains out. Only the strong survive and even among the strong, sometimes you can't defeat the negative shit that can run over you every day. The VA makes you go to suicide prevention, something that I didn't understand in the beginning. Now, I get it. This shit is enough to make you want to put a round through your head and say screw it all.
I've decided to continue with the positive mental attitude thing even if I have to move my motorhome to the bush and become a hermit. I just want some peace, comfort and fun. That's what I'm going to work on from this second forward.
Thank God for big brothers. Leland has agreed to handle all the final arrangements and effectively take a position of executor of my will or estate. Thanks big brother for the relief.
Tim Sr.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Smaller Demands Equal More Energy
Owners have sent help here and I no longer have the same physical and mental demands that I had when I was first released from the VA and returned to Leesville/Ft. Polk.
I had a few months where I was able to be first on the job and last to leave. Sometimes, during train unloads and high tonnage shipping days, that took 16 hours. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it but things changed when my stroke preventative script was added to daily meds.
I was losing my balance and fell down on the job several times. One time, I was in the office when I fell and it was witnessed by guys that worked in another Division. I'm sure they told the owners and thus the additional employee sent to relieve the pressure. (The owners are superb business managers and some mighty fine fellas. They've stuck with me even when I was only given 3 to 12 months to live. They never gave up on me).
This new script I have to take only added to the problems. I thought I was simply suffering from "Aye-Troe-Fee" or whatever it is that you call the condition that exists in your leg muscles when you've been in bed for most of 9 months. Basically, I wasn't using any of my leg muscles because for the most part, I was off my feet from June of 09 to March of this year.
I didn't know it at the time but the radiation damage to my skull included my inner ear. That apparently effected my equillibrium and in part, was the cause for the imbalances that found me on the floor or the ground after I lost my balance and didn't have the strength in my legs to stop the fall. When they added the anti-siezure meds, that's all it took to put me down on a regular basis. I don't know how many times I've fallen but it's alot.
I have to take 1,000 mg per day of a med that Kristin calls "Kepra". It's two 500 mg tablets and I try to take one right after work so I can sleep while it's working. Regardless of the method you use to take it, (how you time it), half of the 24 hour day, you're drowsy and dizzy.
Having failed at the physical side of the job, I'm trying a new approach. I don't take my pill until the afternoon after I've finished most of my work for the day. That way, I'm clear headed early in the day and don't have the instability I had earlier on in the mornings.
I can get up in the morning, drive to bid lettings, pick up the drawings and specifications for the job, drive to the job sites, estimate/confirm the amount of construction aggregates that are needed, determine the number of miles that exist between the stone yard and the job, log all of that information and do all of that with a little help from a new Garmin gps unit and one of the new guys who does some of the driving and almost all of the walking. Not a bad deal, huh!
In any event, the new set up allows me to take advantage of a much easier situation here. In addition to that, I'll be able to prove my worth in a relatively short period of time. The jobs that I'm bidding now are pretty big jobs and only require a few weeks to a month after bid submittal to begin.
Hopefully I'll be able to set some sales records and stand up to the rigors of the job that now have so many physical demands removed. Tim Jr tells me that the Kepra is "from now on" and if that's the case, I'm gonna be in trouble. Despite that, the owners will give me all the time I need to work it out and see if I can stand up to the demands while taking the meds.
As I've been saying, I've come to a Crossroad in my life and I'm pressing ahead with as much of a positive attitude as I can. If I can't make it, I'll have to get a note from the boss that I tried but just can't make it.
I've been told by the VA that they will accept that and change my Pension/Compensation to 100% disabled and I'll take an early retirement and focus on the rest of my life regardless of how long or short that may be.
I'm hangin' tough. More as all this unfolds.
Tim Sr.
I had a few months where I was able to be first on the job and last to leave. Sometimes, during train unloads and high tonnage shipping days, that took 16 hours. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it but things changed when my stroke preventative script was added to daily meds.
I was losing my balance and fell down on the job several times. One time, I was in the office when I fell and it was witnessed by guys that worked in another Division. I'm sure they told the owners and thus the additional employee sent to relieve the pressure. (The owners are superb business managers and some mighty fine fellas. They've stuck with me even when I was only given 3 to 12 months to live. They never gave up on me).
This new script I have to take only added to the problems. I thought I was simply suffering from "Aye-Troe-Fee" or whatever it is that you call the condition that exists in your leg muscles when you've been in bed for most of 9 months. Basically, I wasn't using any of my leg muscles because for the most part, I was off my feet from June of 09 to March of this year.
I didn't know it at the time but the radiation damage to my skull included my inner ear. That apparently effected my equillibrium and in part, was the cause for the imbalances that found me on the floor or the ground after I lost my balance and didn't have the strength in my legs to stop the fall. When they added the anti-siezure meds, that's all it took to put me down on a regular basis. I don't know how many times I've fallen but it's alot.
I have to take 1,000 mg per day of a med that Kristin calls "Kepra". It's two 500 mg tablets and I try to take one right after work so I can sleep while it's working. Regardless of the method you use to take it, (how you time it), half of the 24 hour day, you're drowsy and dizzy.
Having failed at the physical side of the job, I'm trying a new approach. I don't take my pill until the afternoon after I've finished most of my work for the day. That way, I'm clear headed early in the day and don't have the instability I had earlier on in the mornings.
I can get up in the morning, drive to bid lettings, pick up the drawings and specifications for the job, drive to the job sites, estimate/confirm the amount of construction aggregates that are needed, determine the number of miles that exist between the stone yard and the job, log all of that information and do all of that with a little help from a new Garmin gps unit and one of the new guys who does some of the driving and almost all of the walking. Not a bad deal, huh!
In any event, the new set up allows me to take advantage of a much easier situation here. In addition to that, I'll be able to prove my worth in a relatively short period of time. The jobs that I'm bidding now are pretty big jobs and only require a few weeks to a month after bid submittal to begin.
Hopefully I'll be able to set some sales records and stand up to the rigors of the job that now have so many physical demands removed. Tim Jr tells me that the Kepra is "from now on" and if that's the case, I'm gonna be in trouble. Despite that, the owners will give me all the time I need to work it out and see if I can stand up to the demands while taking the meds.
As I've been saying, I've come to a Crossroad in my life and I'm pressing ahead with as much of a positive attitude as I can. If I can't make it, I'll have to get a note from the boss that I tried but just can't make it.
I've been told by the VA that they will accept that and change my Pension/Compensation to 100% disabled and I'll take an early retirement and focus on the rest of my life regardless of how long or short that may be.
I'm hangin' tough. More as all this unfolds.
Tim Sr.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Last Quarter of 2010
I'm no longer trying to live the lie that I could return to work in a "totally uneffected manner after brain surgery".
I'm not saying it was a mistake or the wrong thing to do. I'm certain it was the most beneficial thing I could have possibly done after the ten month long battle I had from day one of the wreck till I walked out of the hospital on my last day of chemo therapy.
I will say that I should have done it in a different manner. Too many hours trying to catch up and too many obstacles along the way for a guy with the kind of wounds I suffered from the whole episode.
Most recently, it has been determined that I'm a high risk candidate for stroke or siezure. It's a brain swelling thing that causes some very small openings in the brain to close and cause stroke.
With no real way to explain it in medical terms, I will simply say that we have a number of canals in our brain that transfer information from the audio and visual receptors to our processing center and then on to the top of the brain. At the crown, there is an information center that allows the input to go down the spinal column and produce movements. That's why some people who have strokes lose the use of a limb.
In any event, I have given it the best shot I could but I just can't do the full time thing anymore. Despite that, I'm in fine shape financially and don't have to worry about any killer medical bills or anything like that (pardon the pun).
Will keep everybody posted on all this and prolly start doing a better job with the blog.
Tim
I'm not saying it was a mistake or the wrong thing to do. I'm certain it was the most beneficial thing I could have possibly done after the ten month long battle I had from day one of the wreck till I walked out of the hospital on my last day of chemo therapy.
I will say that I should have done it in a different manner. Too many hours trying to catch up and too many obstacles along the way for a guy with the kind of wounds I suffered from the whole episode.
Most recently, it has been determined that I'm a high risk candidate for stroke or siezure. It's a brain swelling thing that causes some very small openings in the brain to close and cause stroke.
With no real way to explain it in medical terms, I will simply say that we have a number of canals in our brain that transfer information from the audio and visual receptors to our processing center and then on to the top of the brain. At the crown, there is an information center that allows the input to go down the spinal column and produce movements. That's why some people who have strokes lose the use of a limb.
In any event, I have given it the best shot I could but I just can't do the full time thing anymore. Despite that, I'm in fine shape financially and don't have to worry about any killer medical bills or anything like that (pardon the pun).
Will keep everybody posted on all this and prolly start doing a better job with the blog.
Tim
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Nuther update September 26th
I'm doing remarkably well considering all the rules I've broken.
Oncologist told me to try and stay as mentally engaged in life as I could but he warned me about any attempts to try and return to work.
I guess I've been a renegade most of my life and in that arena, I think that most of the companies that I've consulted with or been hired by, knew that I would be a good choice for difficult situations. My old friend Laddie always said: "When the going gets really tough, call Tim".
I'll get into the problem areas on the next posting but suffice it to say that there are large changes in one's mental, physical and emotional make up when emergency brain surgery results in the removal of a part of one's right temporal lobe. Add to that, the effects of post surgery, chemo and radiation support drugs and sometimes you'll discover that returning to work and thinking that you'll be your old self again, is a form of denial. It's just not the same.
I absolutely don't get it when it comes to people who "do pills" that aren't prescription drugs ordered by a doctor. Talk about self inflicted wounds! There's nothing worse than being overpowered by something that you have no control in changing.
Not taking anti stroke medication isn't an option. Taking them and thinking you'll be normal is a mistake. It's almost like something that needs to go on your "Preflight Check List".
Don't go to work under the influence of post surgery stuff or siezure medication even if you really dig going to work.
In any event, I gave it a good shot but simply couldn't deal with the work load and the problems of a high energy stone yard with employee situations, sub standard performances of sub contractors and other issues found in the work place from time to time.
The docs were right when they issued caution after caution but I couldn't help myself as it related to an attempt to return to work after something as traumatic as the things I've been through since the brain surgery and all the other traumas from malignant cancer treatment to the body.
They retired me a month ago as a function of a disability situation with the VA system. I just can't operate like a 42 year old guy with 20 years experience. In 15 months, I would have made 40 years experience.
In any event, I have fallen down a number of times at work and unfortunately, I did so in front of way too many witnesses. It's a blessing that the bosses found out and sent me some relief to take the pressures off of me at work but sometimes, even that doesn't have an effect on something they can't change............my medical condition.
In any event, I'm out of the frying pan and into an area that should be much easier on me. As it relates to the day to day stuff, they want me to do the thing that they say I do best. That would be selling stone to the various construction companies involved in building everything imaginable requiring stone. That's a large arena but it's an arena that does not require me to order trains, schedule 1,000 ton per hour unloads, trucks, excavators and all the people involved in doing that on a timely schedule.
If this last "radiation damage procedure" on my inner ear works out, I will be much more steady on my feet and in a better position than I have been since I attempted to return to a normal working environment. I hope so but I'm certainly not complacent about that occurring without problems that may come in the future.
In any event, I wanted ya'll to know that I'm doing pretty well despite the problems I've had with my stability and balance.
PS.
I met Robert Mason in Ft. Worth at the VHPA convention in the early 90's and visited at length with him about many of the things in his life and mine. I had a signed copy of Chickenhawk but gave it to a friend.
Combat helicopter pilots who flew in the war have a brotherhood that is unbreakable. For those of us who did "the thing" in Cambodia, there's a rock solid relationship that exists even with those that we did not meet on a day to day basis but flew with us or next to us on ops at the big CHUP.
Oncologist told me to try and stay as mentally engaged in life as I could but he warned me about any attempts to try and return to work.
I guess I've been a renegade most of my life and in that arena, I think that most of the companies that I've consulted with or been hired by, knew that I would be a good choice for difficult situations. My old friend Laddie always said: "When the going gets really tough, call Tim".
I'll get into the problem areas on the next posting but suffice it to say that there are large changes in one's mental, physical and emotional make up when emergency brain surgery results in the removal of a part of one's right temporal lobe. Add to that, the effects of post surgery, chemo and radiation support drugs and sometimes you'll discover that returning to work and thinking that you'll be your old self again, is a form of denial. It's just not the same.
I absolutely don't get it when it comes to people who "do pills" that aren't prescription drugs ordered by a doctor. Talk about self inflicted wounds! There's nothing worse than being overpowered by something that you have no control in changing.
Not taking anti stroke medication isn't an option. Taking them and thinking you'll be normal is a mistake. It's almost like something that needs to go on your "Preflight Check List".
Don't go to work under the influence of post surgery stuff or siezure medication even if you really dig going to work.
In any event, I gave it a good shot but simply couldn't deal with the work load and the problems of a high energy stone yard with employee situations, sub standard performances of sub contractors and other issues found in the work place from time to time.
The docs were right when they issued caution after caution but I couldn't help myself as it related to an attempt to return to work after something as traumatic as the things I've been through since the brain surgery and all the other traumas from malignant cancer treatment to the body.
They retired me a month ago as a function of a disability situation with the VA system. I just can't operate like a 42 year old guy with 20 years experience. In 15 months, I would have made 40 years experience.
In any event, I have fallen down a number of times at work and unfortunately, I did so in front of way too many witnesses. It's a blessing that the bosses found out and sent me some relief to take the pressures off of me at work but sometimes, even that doesn't have an effect on something they can't change............my medical condition.
In any event, I'm out of the frying pan and into an area that should be much easier on me. As it relates to the day to day stuff, they want me to do the thing that they say I do best. That would be selling stone to the various construction companies involved in building everything imaginable requiring stone. That's a large arena but it's an arena that does not require me to order trains, schedule 1,000 ton per hour unloads, trucks, excavators and all the people involved in doing that on a timely schedule.
If this last "radiation damage procedure" on my inner ear works out, I will be much more steady on my feet and in a better position than I have been since I attempted to return to a normal working environment. I hope so but I'm certainly not complacent about that occurring without problems that may come in the future.
In any event, I wanted ya'll to know that I'm doing pretty well despite the problems I've had with my stability and balance.
PS.
I met Robert Mason in Ft. Worth at the VHPA convention in the early 90's and visited at length with him about many of the things in his life and mine. I had a signed copy of Chickenhawk but gave it to a friend.
Combat helicopter pilots who flew in the war have a brotherhood that is unbreakable. For those of us who did "the thing" in Cambodia, there's a rock solid relationship that exists even with those that we did not meet on a day to day basis but flew with us or next to us on ops at the big CHUP.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Anybody still reading this blog
I've made a pretty good attempt at returning to work but it hasn't been easy and I've had some difficulties in the midst of all that. Been off the site for a while, for a number of reasons. Let me know if you want me to continue. tb
Sunday, August 29, 2010
WiFi death by electrocution
Good ole South Louisiana thunderstorms came to visit and brought some of the best IFR conditions available. Lightnin' Bolt came to visit the office and took out the scale, the computer, the modem, the wifi and then, just to make sure things were typically FUBAR, it then took out the phone.
It seemed as though I was without computer for a million years but it really was closer to a week. When I managed to get it all mucked out, I found over 500 emails in my inbox. Whew. It's taking some time but I'm gettin' r done.
Mo, good to see you on here. Jim, crab claws my treat next time. Bernie, read MO's comment. Curt, I'm hangin tough as I know how to hang for a guy with only half a brain.
I have the 1,000 milligram per day "stoned" condition going on and am trying to get that adjusted at the Docs. This stuff is bad to the bone. It's pretty bad to fall down on the job but to do that in front of everybody is embarrassing to say the least.
Mo, use Leesville during the week for your approach plate or Shreveport on the week ends.
It seemed as though I was without computer for a million years but it really was closer to a week. When I managed to get it all mucked out, I found over 500 emails in my inbox. Whew. It's taking some time but I'm gettin' r done.
Mo, good to see you on here. Jim, crab claws my treat next time. Bernie, read MO's comment. Curt, I'm hangin tough as I know how to hang for a guy with only half a brain.
I have the 1,000 milligram per day "stoned" condition going on and am trying to get that adjusted at the Docs. This stuff is bad to the bone. It's pretty bad to fall down on the job but to do that in front of everybody is embarrassing to say the least.
Mo, use Leesville during the week for your approach plate or Shreveport on the week ends.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sorry about no postings
Am taking a new drug that stops siezures and strokes. Really knocks the sox off a guy but I'm trying to manage that as best I can. Just don't have the focus I need right now as I'm pretty beat up with fatigue from all the 1,000 mg per day doses. Boss said he was going to get me some help and I can back off the work schedule as a result of that.
More later.
Tim
More later.
Tim
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