Jr took me to the hospital last week to pursue a solution to the problems I was having with my meds. Long story short is this, I wasn't thrilled with the meds I'm prescribed to prevent stroke or siezure. Let's just say I didn't stay on the schedule of two 500 mg pills per 24 hour day. Meltdown resulted and was really bad in an emotional way.
In any event, seems you can NOT stop taking the pills without some kind of an emotional monster coming to visit.Will be really intersted to find out what the procedure is when if ever, I'm able to stop taking them. Can't spell em but most call it Keppra.
Feelin' good and on track.
TB
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Dealing with death
I should have died hundreds of times in 1970 and 71. I was prepared to die but was one of the lucky ones. Now, with malignant brain cancer, brain surgery, chemo therapy, radiation and all the predictions of my death between October of last year and June of this year, I figure I should have died already........again.
You know what, having a positive mental attitude is key to all that. I may die tomorrow but no one will say that I didn't have a positive mental attitude about all that and that I gave it one hell of a good show along the way. To me, that was the most important aspect of having a good time and being as comfortable as possible along the way.
Now, as it relates to that kind of thing, know that "not" publishing your day to day steps to take care of your final arrangements, can cause some trouble. So, with regard to that, everybody who has not done your last will and testiment, do it now.
I'm tired of thinking about death and I prefer to think about life, comfort, fun, camping, another motorsport project like an old motorscooter, an old car or possible retirement. I understand why so many veterans with malignant brain cancer blow their brains out. Only the strong survive and even among the strong, sometimes you can't defeat the negative shit that can run over you every day. The VA makes you go to suicide prevention, something that I didn't understand in the beginning. Now, I get it. This shit is enough to make you want to put a round through your head and say screw it all.
I've decided to continue with the positive mental attitude thing even if I have to move my motorhome to the bush and become a hermit. I just want some peace, comfort and fun. That's what I'm going to work on from this second forward.
Thank God for big brothers. Leland has agreed to handle all the final arrangements and effectively take a position of executor of my will or estate. Thanks big brother for the relief.
Tim Sr.
You know what, having a positive mental attitude is key to all that. I may die tomorrow but no one will say that I didn't have a positive mental attitude about all that and that I gave it one hell of a good show along the way. To me, that was the most important aspect of having a good time and being as comfortable as possible along the way.
Now, as it relates to that kind of thing, know that "not" publishing your day to day steps to take care of your final arrangements, can cause some trouble. So, with regard to that, everybody who has not done your last will and testiment, do it now.
I'm tired of thinking about death and I prefer to think about life, comfort, fun, camping, another motorsport project like an old motorscooter, an old car or possible retirement. I understand why so many veterans with malignant brain cancer blow their brains out. Only the strong survive and even among the strong, sometimes you can't defeat the negative shit that can run over you every day. The VA makes you go to suicide prevention, something that I didn't understand in the beginning. Now, I get it. This shit is enough to make you want to put a round through your head and say screw it all.
I've decided to continue with the positive mental attitude thing even if I have to move my motorhome to the bush and become a hermit. I just want some peace, comfort and fun. That's what I'm going to work on from this second forward.
Thank God for big brothers. Leland has agreed to handle all the final arrangements and effectively take a position of executor of my will or estate. Thanks big brother for the relief.
Tim Sr.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Smaller Demands Equal More Energy
Owners have sent help here and I no longer have the same physical and mental demands that I had when I was first released from the VA and returned to Leesville/Ft. Polk.
I had a few months where I was able to be first on the job and last to leave. Sometimes, during train unloads and high tonnage shipping days, that took 16 hours. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it but things changed when my stroke preventative script was added to daily meds.
I was losing my balance and fell down on the job several times. One time, I was in the office when I fell and it was witnessed by guys that worked in another Division. I'm sure they told the owners and thus the additional employee sent to relieve the pressure. (The owners are superb business managers and some mighty fine fellas. They've stuck with me even when I was only given 3 to 12 months to live. They never gave up on me).
This new script I have to take only added to the problems. I thought I was simply suffering from "Aye-Troe-Fee" or whatever it is that you call the condition that exists in your leg muscles when you've been in bed for most of 9 months. Basically, I wasn't using any of my leg muscles because for the most part, I was off my feet from June of 09 to March of this year.
I didn't know it at the time but the radiation damage to my skull included my inner ear. That apparently effected my equillibrium and in part, was the cause for the imbalances that found me on the floor or the ground after I lost my balance and didn't have the strength in my legs to stop the fall. When they added the anti-siezure meds, that's all it took to put me down on a regular basis. I don't know how many times I've fallen but it's alot.
I have to take 1,000 mg per day of a med that Kristin calls "Kepra". It's two 500 mg tablets and I try to take one right after work so I can sleep while it's working. Regardless of the method you use to take it, (how you time it), half of the 24 hour day, you're drowsy and dizzy.
Having failed at the physical side of the job, I'm trying a new approach. I don't take my pill until the afternoon after I've finished most of my work for the day. That way, I'm clear headed early in the day and don't have the instability I had earlier on in the mornings.
I can get up in the morning, drive to bid lettings, pick up the drawings and specifications for the job, drive to the job sites, estimate/confirm the amount of construction aggregates that are needed, determine the number of miles that exist between the stone yard and the job, log all of that information and do all of that with a little help from a new Garmin gps unit and one of the new guys who does some of the driving and almost all of the walking. Not a bad deal, huh!
In any event, the new set up allows me to take advantage of a much easier situation here. In addition to that, I'll be able to prove my worth in a relatively short period of time. The jobs that I'm bidding now are pretty big jobs and only require a few weeks to a month after bid submittal to begin.
Hopefully I'll be able to set some sales records and stand up to the rigors of the job that now have so many physical demands removed. Tim Jr tells me that the Kepra is "from now on" and if that's the case, I'm gonna be in trouble. Despite that, the owners will give me all the time I need to work it out and see if I can stand up to the demands while taking the meds.
As I've been saying, I've come to a Crossroad in my life and I'm pressing ahead with as much of a positive attitude as I can. If I can't make it, I'll have to get a note from the boss that I tried but just can't make it.
I've been told by the VA that they will accept that and change my Pension/Compensation to 100% disabled and I'll take an early retirement and focus on the rest of my life regardless of how long or short that may be.
I'm hangin' tough. More as all this unfolds.
Tim Sr.
I had a few months where I was able to be first on the job and last to leave. Sometimes, during train unloads and high tonnage shipping days, that took 16 hours. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it but things changed when my stroke preventative script was added to daily meds.
I was losing my balance and fell down on the job several times. One time, I was in the office when I fell and it was witnessed by guys that worked in another Division. I'm sure they told the owners and thus the additional employee sent to relieve the pressure. (The owners are superb business managers and some mighty fine fellas. They've stuck with me even when I was only given 3 to 12 months to live. They never gave up on me).
This new script I have to take only added to the problems. I thought I was simply suffering from "Aye-Troe-Fee" or whatever it is that you call the condition that exists in your leg muscles when you've been in bed for most of 9 months. Basically, I wasn't using any of my leg muscles because for the most part, I was off my feet from June of 09 to March of this year.
I didn't know it at the time but the radiation damage to my skull included my inner ear. That apparently effected my equillibrium and in part, was the cause for the imbalances that found me on the floor or the ground after I lost my balance and didn't have the strength in my legs to stop the fall. When they added the anti-siezure meds, that's all it took to put me down on a regular basis. I don't know how many times I've fallen but it's alot.
I have to take 1,000 mg per day of a med that Kristin calls "Kepra". It's two 500 mg tablets and I try to take one right after work so I can sleep while it's working. Regardless of the method you use to take it, (how you time it), half of the 24 hour day, you're drowsy and dizzy.
Having failed at the physical side of the job, I'm trying a new approach. I don't take my pill until the afternoon after I've finished most of my work for the day. That way, I'm clear headed early in the day and don't have the instability I had earlier on in the mornings.
I can get up in the morning, drive to bid lettings, pick up the drawings and specifications for the job, drive to the job sites, estimate/confirm the amount of construction aggregates that are needed, determine the number of miles that exist between the stone yard and the job, log all of that information and do all of that with a little help from a new Garmin gps unit and one of the new guys who does some of the driving and almost all of the walking. Not a bad deal, huh!
In any event, the new set up allows me to take advantage of a much easier situation here. In addition to that, I'll be able to prove my worth in a relatively short period of time. The jobs that I'm bidding now are pretty big jobs and only require a few weeks to a month after bid submittal to begin.
Hopefully I'll be able to set some sales records and stand up to the rigors of the job that now have so many physical demands removed. Tim Jr tells me that the Kepra is "from now on" and if that's the case, I'm gonna be in trouble. Despite that, the owners will give me all the time I need to work it out and see if I can stand up to the demands while taking the meds.
As I've been saying, I've come to a Crossroad in my life and I'm pressing ahead with as much of a positive attitude as I can. If I can't make it, I'll have to get a note from the boss that I tried but just can't make it.
I've been told by the VA that they will accept that and change my Pension/Compensation to 100% disabled and I'll take an early retirement and focus on the rest of my life regardless of how long or short that may be.
I'm hangin' tough. More as all this unfolds.
Tim Sr.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Last Quarter of 2010
I'm no longer trying to live the lie that I could return to work in a "totally uneffected manner after brain surgery".
I'm not saying it was a mistake or the wrong thing to do. I'm certain it was the most beneficial thing I could have possibly done after the ten month long battle I had from day one of the wreck till I walked out of the hospital on my last day of chemo therapy.
I will say that I should have done it in a different manner. Too many hours trying to catch up and too many obstacles along the way for a guy with the kind of wounds I suffered from the whole episode.
Most recently, it has been determined that I'm a high risk candidate for stroke or siezure. It's a brain swelling thing that causes some very small openings in the brain to close and cause stroke.
With no real way to explain it in medical terms, I will simply say that we have a number of canals in our brain that transfer information from the audio and visual receptors to our processing center and then on to the top of the brain. At the crown, there is an information center that allows the input to go down the spinal column and produce movements. That's why some people who have strokes lose the use of a limb.
In any event, I have given it the best shot I could but I just can't do the full time thing anymore. Despite that, I'm in fine shape financially and don't have to worry about any killer medical bills or anything like that (pardon the pun).
Will keep everybody posted on all this and prolly start doing a better job with the blog.
Tim
I'm not saying it was a mistake or the wrong thing to do. I'm certain it was the most beneficial thing I could have possibly done after the ten month long battle I had from day one of the wreck till I walked out of the hospital on my last day of chemo therapy.
I will say that I should have done it in a different manner. Too many hours trying to catch up and too many obstacles along the way for a guy with the kind of wounds I suffered from the whole episode.
Most recently, it has been determined that I'm a high risk candidate for stroke or siezure. It's a brain swelling thing that causes some very small openings in the brain to close and cause stroke.
With no real way to explain it in medical terms, I will simply say that we have a number of canals in our brain that transfer information from the audio and visual receptors to our processing center and then on to the top of the brain. At the crown, there is an information center that allows the input to go down the spinal column and produce movements. That's why some people who have strokes lose the use of a limb.
In any event, I have given it the best shot I could but I just can't do the full time thing anymore. Despite that, I'm in fine shape financially and don't have to worry about any killer medical bills or anything like that (pardon the pun).
Will keep everybody posted on all this and prolly start doing a better job with the blog.
Tim
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